Dorky and the Lizard of Fonz
by mr miyaki
Summary: Dorky is a small shmale who is one day picked up by a giant, invisible hawk and taken to a strange land with even stranger creatures. Based off of "The Wizard of Oz"


A/N: Okay, this is the first "real" story I've written. Sorry about the format, but it's a long story. I really had fun writing this, even though it took me like three years, so have fun reading. And remember to R&R! Anyway, without further adue..  
  
Dorky and the Lizard of Fonz  
  
Once upon a time, there lived a small girl, or was it a boy? It's really hard to tell because the kid was really UGLY. Well, anyway, there lived a small THING and one day this thing was sitting in the backyard when..................  
  
"Hey! What the.....?" Dorky said as it was lifted high off the ground into the air.  
  
"What's going on here?!"  
  
What Dorky didn't know is that little girl/boy things are often attacked by giant,  
  
invisible hawks. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense but what am I supposed to do  
  
about it? What kind of a name is Dorky anyway? Soon, the giant, invisible hawk dropped Dorky on top of a house that was floating eerily in mid air. Suddenly, the house began plummeting toward the ground. It hit the ground and accidentally fell on a sweet, little old lady. Ooops indeed! The force of the impact bent the old lady's spine causing her to have scoliosis. Poor Granny. Shame on you Dorky!!!! Dorky then sincerely apologized and asked if there was anything it could do.   
  
The little old lady replied by saying "Go see the Lizard of Fonz. He'll fix my spine for me."  
  
"The Lizard of Fonz? Who the fork is that?" Dorky thought to itself. "How am I  
  
supposed to get to this Lizard of Fonz?" asked Dorky.   
  
"Follow the fellow's dick road," said an anonymous voice. "Yes! The fellow's  
  
dick road!" yelled another voice. Just then a bunch of angry dwarfs popped out of absolutely nowhere and started singing. Then they started complaining because they were too short to go on a roller coaster.   
  
"So all I have to do is follow this road and it will take me to this so- called Lizard of Fonz?" Dorky asked.  
  
"Yes," replied the midgets. "Now get going or we'll run you down with our freakishly small lawn mowers. Do you know where we can get some freakishly small lawn mowers?"  
  
"Uh, no," Dorky replied. "Sorry."  
  
"That's okay," they said again. "We never really expect to find and freakishly small lawn mowers. They'd just be cool to have."  
  
And so Dorky began walking on the road. It walked for hours and hours, tirelessly. It stopped every now and then to take a breather. The total distance it walked was fifteen feet. Dorky was making good time. It would have made it to the Lizard by March, except that it was detained when it came upon a scary looking crow. Its  
  
beak was bent and it was wearing nail polish on its claws.  
  
"Hey there little guy! And how are you today?" the crow said  
  
"Uhhhh, I'm fine I guess. How are you?" Dorky replied.  
  
"I'm super! Thanks for asking, but I do wish I had a little male companionship. If only there were more queer crows in the world I could have a boyfriend."  
  
"Well I guess you could come with me to see the lizard of Fonz, but I'm not that  
  
way," Dorky said.  
  
"You're a boy?????????" said the crow.  
  
As Dorky and the crow walked along the road they made small talk.  
  
"So what's your name?" Dorky asked.  
  
"Me? Why I'm Mr. Slave!" The crow replied. "How about you? What's your name sugar dumpling?"  
  
"I'm Dorky," said Dorky.  
  
"Oh," replied Mr. Slave trying not to laugh. "What a nice name."  
  
They walked for another couple of hours, making it a whole twenty feet from the field they had met in when they came to a man that was made entirely of plastic wrap. He looked very sad.  
  
"Hello man-made-entirely-of-saran-wrap," said Dorky. "How are you today?"  
  
"Ohhhh...just peachy," he replied sarcastically. "I feel lousy. My girlfriend,  
  
girl-made-entirely-of-tin-foil, left me yesterday when I was checking out her neighbor,  
  
girl-made-entirely-of-sandwich-bags. She was a hot little number. I wish I had enough  
  
courage to ask her out on a date."  
  
"Hey!" Dorky said, "You could come with us to see the lizard of Fonz. You could ask him for a date with the sandwich bag girl!"  
  
And so on they traveled: Dorky, the queer crow known as Mr. Slave, and the saran wrap man. They walked along the fellow's dick road until they came to an expanse of woods. Then they warily made their way through the thick brush and dense bushes. There were so many trees and bushes that they almost got lost! I mean, who really expects to find their way through two pine trees and one bush? Just then an angry shrew popped out of a hole in the ground.  
  
"Boo!" the shrew yelled.  
  
"Well aren't you cute!" said Dorky  
  
"I'm not supposed to be cute! I'm supposed to be ferocious! The only problem is  
  
that I'm so tiny that no one is afraid of me," the shrew said in reply. "But just because I'm small doesn't mean I couldn't take you, because I could!"  
  
"No sweat," said the crow. "You can come with us to see the lizard of Fonz. I'm  
  
sure he'll increase you're size or at least give you a fire breathing dragon."  
  
"Yes, Yes," said the shrew. "Then I will rule the world! Muahahahaha!"  
  
The group gave the shrew very confused and inquisitive looks.  
  
"Or I could just pick on people who don't have fire breathing dragons."  
  
And so the group of three became a group of four. They wondered on for hours. They traveled through the night and the hours turned into days. The group trudged through the mud and walked through the rain. It was a long thirty feet. Soon the four of them came to a mysterious meadow full of giant Venus fly traps. How they had gotten there no one could say, except for the shrew, who knew that he had planted them two months earlier in a futile attempt to scare someone. One of the plants started snapping and so they all ran. Finally they reached Ruby City, which was surprisingly blue considering that it was called Ruby City. They came to the gate of the city, which was actually a poorly built door that could be easily broken down or jumped over. Dorky stepped up to the gate and knocked loudly.  
  
"Who is it and what do you.Ahhhh! Put that thing away, it's scaring the children," said the guard as he caught a glimpse of Dorky's disgusting face.  
  
"We are travelers that have come seeking the knowledge of the lizard," said Dorky in reply.  
  
"Oh, is that all?" said the guard. "Come on in!"  
  
After they were let in by the guard, all the angry dwarfs living in the city broke in to song. It kind of creeped out the group of four so they slowly backed away from any and all things under four feet tall. The group made their way toward a local beauty parlor. They wanted to look good in front of the lizard so they all had makeovers. This included facials, manicures, pedicures, and new hair do's.   
  
"I want to look just like Head!" Dorky said.  
  
"Who in the heck is Head?" all the angry dwarfs asked with curiosity.  
  
"Brian "Head" Welch? You know, from KoRn? Just give me dread locks and dress me in black with a few chains as decorations." Dorky replied.  
  
"Oooooooo! I want to look just like Big Gay Al on South Park only instead of  
  
having flowers and other Hawaiian crap I want rainbows. Lots and lots of rainbows! Oh  
  
that would be so scrumptious!" said Mr. Slave.  
  
"Can do," replied the midgets.  
  
"And I want some of that cool colored plastic wrap wrapped around me! That  
  
would so look cool!!!" Said the man-made-entirely-of-saran-wrap.  
  
"Uhhhh, ok if you want to look queer," replied the angry undersized people.  
  
"Hey!" the offended crow replied with anger, "There is nothing wrong with being  
  
gay. It's perfectly natural."  
  
"Errrrr, right. And it's also natural to put applesauce in your shoes. Well Mr. Shrew, what would you like to look like?" The enraged runts inquired.  
  
"Keep away from me you freaks!" the shrew said, "I want nothing to do with you  
  
weirdoes! You're all way to small!" "But shrew," Dorky said, "They're taller than you are."  
  
At this point the dwarfs became infuriated. They were very sensitive about their  
  
height. Being made fun of by someone shorter than them just further infuriated them.  
  
"FREAK? We think that you're the freak, you... you... freak you!" they shouted.  
  
Well, to make a long story short, I won't tell it. We'll just summarize and say that this conflict wasn't resolved for three hours and it got kind of messy. I'm not  
  
going into detail. Let's just say that a few bones were broken. Uh, well, continuing on...  
  
After they were all ready, they headed to the lizard's palace. They knocked on the giant steel door. An angry, Russian dwarf stuck his head out of a little window in the  
  
door.  
  
"Hey! Can't you read? The sign says 'go away'! Isn't it big enough?" the Russian dwarf said.  
  
"Actually, no, I can't read it. Do you have a magnifying glass? Or even better a  
  
microscope?" Dorky replied.  
  
"NO! Now be gone apprentices of Satan! Go back to the burning hell hole you  
  
came from," the dwarf replied.  
  
Disappointed, the group turned and began walking away. Then, Dorky had an idea. For the first time in its life, it had an idea!  
  
"Guys, all we have to do is play on this guy's heart strings. Plead our cases to each other but say it loud enough that he'll hear us and feel sorry for us. Then he'll let us in for sure!" whispered Dorky to the others.  
  
And so they all told their stories to one another, and the shrew actually cried. But behind the door the Russian dwarf was laughing. He cared nothing for the pain of others, and he thought that their stories we really funny. He leaned out the tiny window and yelled, "You guys are pathetic! Ha!" And with that last comment he shut the window in their faces.  
  
Dorky and her friends were very angered that this dwarf would not only neglect to let them in, but he also laughed in their faces. The anger gave them all an adrenaline rush and they rammed the door down and raced to the top of the castle. There was a great many number of stair cases and they climbed until their legs were ready to give out. Six stairs is a lot to handle! Soon they came to a huge door. They opened it  
  
and were very surprised by what they saw, which was odd considering what they had seen already (giant invisible hawks, singing midgets, talking saran wrap). There was a giant Komodo dragon levitating at the other end of the room.   
  
"What isssss it that you wisssshhh?" the immense lizard inquired.  
  
"Uhhh, we have to ask you for a few favors if it isn't too much, Sir," Dorky said.  
  
"I will grant your wishes on one condition. You must bring me the shirt of the wicked Abercrombie&Fich of the north," uttered the gigantic lizard.  
  
"But that's impossible!!! She'll never willingly give up her "cool" name-brand shirt! We'll have to kill her and by doing that we'll get ourselves killed!!!" exclaimed the tiny shrew.  
  
"Then none of you will get your wishes granted! Ha ha ha ha ha!" The reptilian  
  
shouted.  
  
And so, being left with no other choice, Dorky, the crow, the plastic wrap man,  
  
and the shrew set off to the fortress of the Abercrombie&Fich of the north. When they  
  
reached the stronghold they were attacked by mammoth flying pigs. They fought as best  
  
as they could: the shrew grabbed pebbles to throw and tried to hit the pigs with twigs, the  
  
saran wrap man tried to wrap the pigs like leftovers, but ended up losing quite of few  
  
pounds of saran wrap, and Mr. Slave didn't have to do anything to protect itself because  
  
the pigs were all really freaked out by him and tried to stay away from him. Oh yeah,  
  
and Dorky was carried off to the top of the fort. Let's face it, boy-girl things are just no good at fighting.  
  
Meanwhile, no one really missed Dorky, or even noticed it was gone. But the group was still determined to get that shirt and grant their wishes. And so, after they escaped the flying pigs, they made it to the Fich's castle, they jumped 3 guards, stole their uniforms, and snuck inside. They climbed a few thousand flights of stairs without any problems, which was surprising because you would think there would be at least one guard in the place. And even more surprising because earlier they had a very hard time getting up just six stairs. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it? Anyway, they finally came to the door that led to the room which led on to a hallway that contained several doors, including one that led to another hallway which, when followed through several twists and turns, led to the room that the Abercrombie&Fich dwelled in. Standing outside the room, they heard the evil clothes designer talking to Dorky from behind the door.  
  
"I'll get you my ugly... and your little shrew too!" the Fich said  
  
"I'd like to see you try," muttered the shrew under its breath.  
  
At that point the shrew was completely enraged. It was a lot angrier than it had let on. "How dare he think he can take me? I've taken down shrews that were twice his size!"   
  
The saran wrap man and the crow were also fairly angry. Mr. Slave was feeling that he was being prejudiced against, since the clothes designer wasn't worried about the crow foiling any plans, while the plastic wrap man was simply infuriated that his flying pigs had made off with his brand new colored plastic wrap. They rammed the door down and to their surprise found Dorky hitting the Abercrombie&Fich with a stick. They all picked up sticks and started hitting her as well. I wish I could tell you where the sticks came from and what they were doing there, but I can't, so don't bother asking.  
  
"Ow! Stop it you brats! You're tearing holes in my shirt!" it shouted.  
  
Then Dorky took a pair of scissors out of her pocket. "Heh heh heh..." it said  
  
astutely and menacingly.   
  
Snip, snip, snip! "Nooooo! I'm ripping...ripping...ripping," yelled the evil  
  
Abercrombie&Fich.  
  
"You killed him... you killed Abercrombie&Fich," said Fich's accomplices AE, Gap, Ralph Lauren, and Mr. O'Navy (O standing for old. He's way out of style).  
  
"I-I'm sorry! I...uhh...didn't mean to? Oh who am I kidding.of course I meant to! I even laughed about it! Remember?" said Dorky in a questionable manner.  
  
"Yeah, we remember. It was like thirty seconds ago and we were standing right here. But who cares if you didn't or you did!" the equally evil accomplices shouted in excitement and joined in singing, "Bing Bong the Fich is shreds. Frickin' Fich, Fich is shreds. Bing bong the frickin' Fich is shreds!"  
  
"So then you're not mad?" asked Dorky. It obviously wasn't bright or observant  
  
in the least; otherwise it would have noticed their enjoyment at this particular moment.  
  
"Mad?" exclaimed the Fich's partners in crime. "Why would we be mad? That  
  
Fich always thought that she was better than us, but look who's going to show up in the next donation to the goodwill! Booyah!"  
  
"So then can we take its shirt?" asked the crow.  
  
"Hell if we care!" replied Gap  
  
Dorky and her friends returned to the Lizard of Fonz with the shirt. The lizard  
  
was surprised and to be honest, a little confused. It said to them, "Oh, you got the shirt...w-well I'm still not going to grant your wishes!"  
  
The group was a little perturbed to say the least. But in this moment of desperation was their triumph. For it was then that they noticed a curtain in the corner of the room. The shrew ran over to it, pulled it back, and revealed the lizard was a fake. He was nothing but the Fonz from Happy Days, hiding behind a curtain. The Fonz had been projecting the image using two squirrels, a candle, and a mirror, and had been making the sounds using a cup and a piece of cheese.  
  
"Ehhhhh," said the Fonz. "When the motorcycle and leather jacket phase went out I had no reason to live so I traveled here where everyone thinks I'm a god. I just couldn't stand the thought of all the hot chicks going to someone else, and I decided to go to a place where hot chicks thought I was still cool."  
  
At that point Dorky and all its friends broke out laughing. "They think... and  
  
you... a god.... HA HA HA HA!!! And what hot chicks? This place is filled with  
  
munchkins!" they all shouted.  
  
"Ehhhhh, it's not that funny," said Arthur Fonzarelli as he combed back his hair.  
  
"I'd like to see what you would have done if you discovered one day that you all of a  
  
sudden weren't cool."  
  
"Not going to happen," said Dorky. "I'm the hottest thing since sliced bread.  
  
Everyone wants to know everything about me, especially how I reproduce and what  
  
planet I'm from. And it's so obvious that I'm from Uranus."  
  
"Ha ha, you said you're from my anus," said the shrew.  
  
"Very funny," said Dorky. "Are you going to grant our wishes or not Fonzy?"  
  
"Ehhhhh, I don't have any magic powers, but I do have some things I can give  
  
you to help," said the Fonz "To you, Mr. Shrew, I can not unfortunately increase your  
  
size, but I can give you this fire breathing dragon."  
  
"Awesome!" exclaimed the shrew as it blew flames in Dorky's direction. "Take  
  
that Dorky! I'd like to see anyone call me cute again! Woo hoo!"  
  
"And for you, you little gay crow you, I cannot force any crows to be gay with  
  
you, but I can give you this," and he handed Mr. Slave a metal cyborg crow. "It's a gay crow robot. I made it back in the sixties. Don't ask, I had a lot of time on my hands."  
  
"It's okay, I guess," said the crow as he turned it on.  
  
"Hello, my name is Brandon," said the robot. "I have a life-like bird genitalia.  
  
Want to screw like two horny birds in hell?"  
  
"I take it back!" exclaimed the crow. "It's awesome! Now where's the nearest  
  
bedroom or closet?"  
  
"Third door on your left," replied the Fonz. "Now on to you Saran wrap man. I  
  
cannot give you courage, for I have none of my own. I can however give you this phone  
  
sex ad. It's not quite as good as the real thing, but its pretty close."  
  
"Alright!" cried the excited saran wrap man. "Only 69 cents a minute! Great! Say, you wouldn't happen to have a pay phone around here? And maybe a quarter too?"  
  
"Down the hall and on your right," said the Fonz as he flipped the saran wrap man a shiny new quarter. "Put it to good use. And now for you, Dorky," the Fonz continued, "Here is a coupon for one free operation at 'Sex Changes R' Us'."  
  
"Hey that's not what I asked for! I wanted to help that lady that I gave scoliosis  
  
to!"  
  
"Oh. Sorry." said the Fonz as he put the coupon away.  
  
"Hey, I didn't say that I didn't want it," cried Dorky as he snatched the coupon  
  
from the Fonz's hands.  
  
"Yes, well, for the old lady, hmm, what do I have in here," he said as he searched  
  
through his trunk. "Ah! Here we are! A back brace for your little old lady!"  
  
"A back brace? A Back brace! I ask you for a solution and all you can come up  
  
with is a BACKBRACE!?" said Dorky. "Thanks!"  
  
So Dorky and all its friends went back the way they came, after having to practically drag the crow and the saran wrap man away from the closet and the pay phone. But finally they made it back to the start of the fellow's dick road and to the lonely old house that fell on the sweet old lady and gave her scoliosis. Dorky gave her the brace and she was as good as new, before she even put it on. But one problem still persisted...how was Dorky to get home?  
  
Dorky sat down on what he thought was a chair, but was actually a midget. It began to think as hard as it could, while the midget being sat on complained and swore a little. Suddenly Dorky jumped up in triumph.  
  
"Aha! I have it!" it shouted. "I.wait, nevermind."  
  
Dorky started to pace, and actually started sweating profusely. It created a big, wet hole in the ground. The more it paced, the deeper the hole became. Then an idea struck it: How could it get home if it didn't even know where it was?  
  
"Hey, um, munchkins," it began. "I neglected to ask exactly where we are."  
  
"You don't know?" the midgets said. "Why we're in the land of candy and happy thoughts. Naw, just kidding. We're on the set of Jerry Springer."  
  
"REALLY?" Dorky replied. "You're serious?"  
  
"Well, Duh!" the midgets stated. "How else would you explain all the weird stuff. I mean, singing midgets? Talking shrews? Saran wrap people? Besides, did you look up at the ceiling? It has stage lights."  
  
Dorky looked up. "How about that." it said looking at the spot lights. "Wait, the Jerry Springer set is only three blocks away from my house! Just point me to the nearest exit and I'm out of here!"  
  
The dwarfs all too anxiously directed Dorky to the closest exit, which was actually two feet to his right. As Dorky left the stage, the vertically challenged people all celebrated for ridding themselves of the menace known as Dorky. Dorky, meanwhile, made its way home, only to find that its parents had sold the house and moved in Dorky's absence. It was just the opportunity they had been looking for. And everyone, except Dorky, who lived out the rest of its life in the gutters until it died at the age of 17, lived happily ever after. 


End file.
